Jingle Bells? Nah! This year Christmas would resonate with Wedding Bells for me...

Just two months away from the 'Big Day' (or more specifically 81 days), I cannot help but wonder about a plethora of things marriage brings in a girl's life. As a teenager, I used to dream about meeting my 'prince charming' and how I would look as a bride, what I would wear, etc.. But now that I am so close to those moments, the thoughts running through my mind are SO DIFFERENT. And to sum up those 'plethora of things', I would use the word - CHANGE! 


Although mine would be a love marriage, I am so nervous about this huge step in my life. I now know what 'wedding jitters' actually mean. Inspite of knowing him for almost 2 years now, I sometimes still sit and wonder whether I am making the right move. And not because I have any doubts about 'us' but about this whole new angle that a marriage brings into one's life. I sometimes even feel that 'marriage' is a bit overrated word (apologies to all those wonderful, happily married couples out there!) But what I mean to say is I have seen some of my closest people change after marriage and hope that is not what is in store of all of us on the brink of taking that huge step. Not trying to be cynical here but I totally agree with someone who quoted that Marriage is a huge gamble! 

But I am really thankful to God that I got to be with Akshay for 2 years before embarking on this journey. I quiver thinking about how girls into arrange marriages really manage all these sudden changes in life! Even though my relationship with Akshay is on a great comfort level, I still know I have to adapt to a whole lot of changes after my wedding. Consider these:
- Changing my lastname and adopting his, it's like changing someone's identity! I have been a 'Khedekar' for 27 years of my life (Oops! Now you know my real age :P) and one fine day, all of a sudden it would be changed to 'Bhagwatwar'??!!
- Considering his family as mine, relating to his parents as mine
- Getting comfortable with his extended family like aunts, uncles and cousins... I can't believe how much I took all these individuals from my family for granted! So now, to all my aunts, uncles, cousins.. I really really love you guys and I am going to miss each and every family event we have in our Khandaan.
- Leaving my home and considering his home as mine! Leaving back all those memories of childhood, those walls which nurtured me, those maids who loved me and cooked for me, that house for which I designed every minute details from wall colors to chairs to bed to furniture to cooking range to flat screen TV and washing machine... my guitar, my library, my books, my collectibles..! How do I leave behind each of these which have made me what I am today ?
- The thought of not going to my home from Mumbai airport every December and going to his house (out of Mumbai)
- And the thought of leaving behind mom and dad and joining his family!

I may sound paranoid but I just find it amusing how marriage changes "so much" for the girl and "so little" for the guy! I know that all these points that I noted above will become a 'thing of the past' in months/years to come but they just seem pretty herculean for the moment. But I also know that as long as I have Akshay besides me during every step of this transition, things would be fine :) (I guess I have just been thinking too much or may be this is WEDDING JITTERS??!!)

So to all my friends getting married in the months to come, I would like to share a few thoughts shared by two individuals I recently met (both currently at different stages of marriage in their life - one got divorced this year after 20-30 years of marriage and other is happily married for 31 years):
- Any relationship needs to be worked upon. Marriage is that step in a relationship which may bring you closer or drift away from each other... because at one point of time husband and wife start taking each other for granted. So if you feel you are better off in a live-in, go for it! Else if very sure that marriage will not make you complacent in nurturing your relationship. 
- Do you as a couple have things to be shared even if you both are silent? Do you hold each other's hands while doing something as mundane as driving? Do your hands find each other even if you are silent? If the answer is yes, you need to make sure that such moments continue even after the initial years of 'sex and love'. As your marriage evolves, it should change more into companionship! 

Signing off.. an excited as well as nervous - Bride to be ! :)

The Spirit of Mumbai???

  July 13, 2011 was another day when I felt horrible    about being thousands of miles away from my family and Mumbai. The serial blasts brought back to my mind the gory reality that we all are just mortals. I am stupefied with the fact that "some mortals" kill innocent lives under the name of God and religion. Mumbai - the city of dreams, my life and my love is no more a safe haven like what it used to be. Every 2-3 years my city is targeted and the sheer hopelessness which causes a common man to move on is further lambasted under the adage "the spirit of Mumbai". NO! This isn't the spirit of Mumbai.. it is the "survival of the fittest" belief that pushes a Mumbaiite to go to work immediately the next day after such terrorizing happenings and earn a living for his/her family.

Coming to the Indian government and politics, I think I should rephrase second statement in this blog as "we all are not just mortals but puppets" for ridiculous and lame politicians (and of course the terrorists). I was appalled by the remarks of a young politician who supposedly is the next in candidacy to the PM's seat! So he claims that the government wards off 99% of the terrorism and it the 1% that we have to deal with. Really??? 2005 blasts, 2006 blasts, 2008 attacks, 2011 blasts are all just 1 % for you Mr. Rahul Gandhi?
Home Minister, P. Chidambaram says that there was no Intelligence failure! Wow...some criminal minds plant bombs in some of the most crowded streets of Mumbai and the Home Minister doesn't feel that intelligence and security is horrendously amiss??On the other hand, Digvijay Singh’s statement shows that his indifference and non-concern in statements like "India’s situation is much better than Pakistan where blasts keep happening every week". Are they waiting for a situation where a blast takes place every week?
To add more salt to the wounds of the common man and the victims, some eminent personalities from the film industry party hard over a movie-release just 3 days after the blast. On one end, Shahrukh Khan (on Twitter) condemns the blasts and shows the urge to come back to Mumbai from his holidays and on the other end he throws a grand party and is joined by other hopelessly shameless film personalities!!All these rich people are such hypocrites!I am hurt, saddened, troubled, disgusted, appalled, scared, frustrated and what not! A myriad of emotions to deal with and I know that there is no respite. I am not being cynical but my helplessness and disbelief in the current government of India makes me
say this!

Inspiration for Aspirations

I came across a lot of eye-opening stuff today and that triggered me to get back to my blog. So for starters, I was reading news on an Indian news website and I read some article about Lisa Ray. So i dug up a few more articles and realized that she is an avid blogger. Her blog named "Yellow Diaries" is basically elucidates her journey, her mind-boggling journey through the dark depths of Myeloma (Bone Marrow Cancer). I was spellbound at the courage and optimism she portrayed during all those trying moments.

I also read about Oscar Pistorius and his story is equally inspiring. The sobriquet "the fastest man with no legs" describes Oscar's unflagging spirit to conquer the Olympic championship in running.

All such stories make me melancholic for a moment but they also leave me with the zest to live life to the fullest. I must admit that the year 2011 has been one such year of conquering my fears and living my life to the fullest. To end this post, I would encourage you to find happiness in every walk of life and have the courage to face the darkness. A childhood poem which taught me how to find happiness in the smallest of things in life comes to mind right now, sharing it here:

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed--and gazed--but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

- Daffodils by Williams Wordsworth

I surrender myself to You!

My second tryst with poetry..for "You" :)

I look into your eyes

I see my world

This morning I see the sunrise

My happiness has now unfurled.

I know You are the one

You care for me but none

You give me the strength

You give me my inner peace.

I cannot live without You now

Till eternity may allow

I want be in Your arms

Far away from all harms.

I close my eyes I think of You

I pray our sorrows are bare and few

Wishing for a new life with You

I surrender myself to You.

The Proposal - Part II

(A few months later...on a lakeside...6.30 pm)

She(almost in tears after hearing him speak): Why are you doing this to me? We've been together through thick and thin, and I am sure this is just a phase too.. it will pass. Trust me .. please... we can make this work...
He(cuts her abruptly): NO.. I can't take this relationship any further.. every time I want to keep you happy but things just get ruined. I can't give you the happiness you deserve... this is just not meant to be... You'll be happier without me. Just move on.. (Shrugs her away and walks out...7.30 pm)

She is sitting by the lakeside alone. It's 9.30 pm and the stars are twinkling as brightly as ever. Tears can't stop rolling down her eyes as she sits by the shore watching the moonlight sprinkle on the waves that softly touch her feet. She remembers how he used to play with her toes and enjoy watching her shapely legs whenever she wore short skirts. She reminisces their long walks along the same lake, those hugs, those kisses... Why did it end? What did she do so wrong? Why did they even get so close if things were not meant to last? Will she ever be able to forget him? .. the smell of his shirt, the touch of his hands, the magic in his smile...

Days roll over, she finds it difficult to not think about him and what went wrong but makes a firm decision that she is done with love in her life, closes the doors of her heart forever and moves on. Thankfully work has kept her really busy and she will be flying to United States for an onsite job opportunity in a few days. Not really delighted at this offer but a tad eager to see a new place, a new world leaving her past behind.


(to be continued...)